It’s been entirely too long since I’ve posted here. Granted, 2016 has been a crazy year (with a big move, new house, new job…etc.), but I hate that I’ve neglected the one thing that I really enjoy most: writing. While my Instagram blogging activities have been daily, I need to get back on a schedule with updating my website and YouTube channel—which is almost at 300 subscribers. Ahhh! When did that happen? I know that’s super small compared to other channels, but umm, I didn’t even think I had 30! Anywho, I am so grateful for my little team of Queens here on GWNC, IG and YT. I honestly feel that, although slowly, we’re growing a real community of women who support and encourage each other. I want to share more of my ideas, thoughts, concerns and life updates; I just never know what will be perceived as helping others, what is TMI or if anyone really cares. Let’s consider this a trial run. Here are a few thoughts and confessions I’ve been having:
THOUGHTS: Leaving New York after ten years and moving to North Carolina has been difficult. While I recognize how blessed we are to have purchased our first house and my first car, it still has been a life changing experience. Living in a totally new environment with new people and new surroundings has always intrigued me, yet when faced with the reality of it, I was scared. Heck, I still am scared! NC is not NYC, clearly. I am farther away from my family (who I’m extremely close with). What used to be an easy two-hour bus ride to Philly is now a carefully planned—and obviously more expensive—flight with a connection. I can’t make all the family parties (yes, there are many); I miss all the spontaneous gatherings (yes, there are many); I can’t just hop on Megabus and see my mom and grandmom. As trivial as it sounds, I’m sad about it.
CONFESSION: My cousin FaceTimed me from the first party I missed. As I watched my family members smiling and laughing, I started to cry. It was more than FOMO. I felt so far from them and so alone. Some days I still feel that way, but it’s getting better.
THOUGHTS: Once in NC I didn’t find work right away, which left me with plenty of time to overthink and scrutinize every decision I’ve made up until this point. What am I to do now? Can I be happy here? Why did I do this? I don’t even know anyone. This was a mistake. Is it too late to get my apt back in the Bronx? An idle mind can lead to destruction. Some days I did well. I stayed busy. I focused on the positive. Other days though, I could barely get out of bed. I was very sad and had a feeling of uselessness. I felt like I didn’t belong here and I was desperately looking for a way out. Eventually though, those emotions subsided, I landed a pretty great job (in my field luckily) and I’m feeling confident in my career path again.
CONFESSION: I’m still trying to get my shit together. Social media and filters make it all too easy to fake it, but the truth is we’re all just trying to find our happiness—one day at a time.
THOUGHTS: With the military life comes sacrifice. Right now, D’s career in the military comes first. I’ve been reluctant to say those words. I don’t know if it’s my ‘independent woman’ attitude or the fact that I’ve never HAD to sacrifice my comfort for someone else before, but that has been a difficult reality to admit. I’ve left my friends, apartment, job…etc. My whole life was in New York. And while I’m looking forward to the new life D and I are building in NC, I can’t help but feel a sense of resentment. Not for him really, but for the situation and the decisions we’ve had to make. New York will always be there, and I truly believe we’ll be back someday, but right now I miss it. I miss seeing buildings taller than three stories; I miss grabbing drinks after work with my best friend; I miss the hustle of the city; and I miss the subway! I miss my life in New York.
CONFESSION: This is the first time I’ve said this out loud. I don’t mean to be a brat or ungrateful about it all, but just trying to be honest with myself.
With all this going on in my life and in my head, I’m still finding time to decorate a new house, plan my wedding for next year, consider if we can handle a dog (maybe a cat?) and oh yeah, blog! My anxiety is probably the reason for 90% of my “drama” but I swear I’m working on it. I constantly recite my positive affirmations—let me know if I should do a post on my favorite and most used affirmations—and consciously remove the negative thoughts that float to the top of my brain. Trying to find that balance between complaining and owning my feelings is tough. Writing it all out is so helpful. I suggest it. Even if you don’t share it with anyone, writing out your thoughts and confessions is so therapeutic.
Let me know what you guys think of this post. Should I do more life updates or just shut up and talk about hair? LOL.
CONFESSION: It’s my site; I’ll publish what I want! JK. Seriously though, I hope this is helpful for anyone going through a transition. What you’re feeling is valid and you shouldn’t ignore it. Acknowledge the emotion, deal with it the best way you know how and move on. Don’t get lost or discouraged. Don’t drown in your emotions. Put your head up high, straighten your crown and love yourself; where you are; and all that you do.